Feature Fridays: Mercies in disguise

By: Kasela Kalebwe

A while back in bible class, we learnt about bad things happening to good people…

It was a pretty helpful lesson, but not one that stuck cause even though I had come across some bumps across the road, many of them I dug up myself, lol. And every so often, I still do.

But more recently, I faced a ‘bump’ that I thought that even I – the trouble maker that I am, didn’t quite deserve. It turned my life upside. I lost my pillar, my beautiful mother. One minute she was shouting at me for not calling enough, and as the defiant daughter, I thought she was being melodramatic and the next she was gone and I sat there like an idiot wishing I had called her every minute of every day. #harshlessonmuch

If I may put it as blankly as I felt, my world turned upside down. The person I would call when no one could understand was gone. And I felt the deepest, most painful loss ever. I prayed so much for what I thought would be Gods mercy to have Him give her back to me. When that request wasn’t being answered, I asked for Him to take me instead. You know how they say, “Can things get any worse?” And then they did… He didn’t seem to agree with my suggestions to fix the problem so I got upset! I got mighty upset with God… And the irony is, it didn’t make me feel any better, if anything, the sense of loss just dug deeper. . .

There was an expectation to be strong, and I was – until I was alone. There was an effort to keep me occupied, and I stayed – until I was alone again. I played the part for the comfort of everyone else – until I was alone. Alone was comfortable for me – and it was the only time I was honest with myself. I would cry myself to sleep cause that is all I felt like doing with the hurt I was feeling. I would argue it out with God, barely listening to what he had to say. #madblackwoman

But as I was beginning to learn, God will ALWAYS get His way. He would whisper THE ONLY words that could comfort, be it from memory, or through his servants. And with each passing day, my heart softened. It softened until I would recall His promises, and His commands. And it wasn’t the big theological stuff that comforted, it was the basics. #123ABC

·         I was to love Him more than anything else in this world, including my mother.

‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment’ - Matthew 22: 37-38

·         I was to trust His plans for me for they are more marvelous than the thoughts (no matter how good) of man – including myself!

‘How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! How great is the sum of them!’ – Psalm 139: 17

‘For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end’ Jeremiah 29:11

·         He would never ever leave or forsake me, even though I would push Him away!

‘For he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.’ – Hebrews 13:5

·         His ways for my mother (who is more importantly His daughter) were to have her in His presence, what place is better than that? #selfishme

‘Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints.’ - Psalm 116:15

Engaging in prayer, shedding the protective cover that existed before – rehearsed prayer, I could engage more sincerely with God, and He could give me the healing I needed. He was nearer (for me) in this time than He had ever been before. Reading more of His word sincerely, He would reveal more of Himself to me – and it’s crazy but knowing Him a little more gave me peace I cannot understand. In addition to the scriptures, I added a lot of spiritual books to my collection just to keep myself encouraged by the experiences of others, and relating to their loss and victory gave me added strength.

And my gracious and loving friends. How they have stuck by me, helped me wobble to my feet and have carried me through this period, words aren’t enough. I have been entertained by ANGELS.

And as I start to fit back into life with the absence and the pain that are ever present, missing my mother every day, all the time, and sometimes getting sad, like I did when writing this piece, I look to God. I had prayed many times for God to increase my faith, to help me love Him more. . . And I won’t lie, I thought it might a glorious (direct translation – easy) time. But His mercies disguised as sorrow, and this sorrow is (continuous tense) teaching me in ways I never imagined to love Him more. And I am not exactly what you would call a good person, but in many ways I can answer just lightly why bad things happen… For me at least, it is to draw me nearer to God. To help me find my peace and joy in Him ONLY.

God is working something beautiful in me, and I can smile today, laugh tomorrow, love someone the next day and encourage someone else the day after that. I am conquering. I am winning. I am living to fight another day – But nay, it is not I, but Christ that lives in me.

And to think, this is just the beginning. . . It only gets better! #watchthisspace

God is still working on me.

I love poetry and music so yeah, a lot of it helped me. Many of those whispers came from servants that minister with their voices who don’t even know my name! Here’s a few for you…

Smashed Saint – Perfect Hallelujah

Laura Story - Blessings

Casting Crowns – All you’ve ever wanted

Casting Crowns – Just be held

Love and the Outcome – He is with us

Sanctus Real - 33

Tedashii - Chase